paraprosdokian n. a figure of speech in which the latter part of a passage is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. 

Self-deprecative paraprosdokians are my personal favorites...

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station. 
• Beautiful wives, every one.  Beautiful and talented.  And now rich. 
• I  didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 
• I  thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 
• I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. 
• I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. 
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• I sleep eight hours a day. And at least ten at night. 
• Marriage to me brings out the best in a woman.  Chastity. 
• Well, I'm having a great day.  Woke up this morning, got out of bed, went to the bathroom.  In that order! 
• Where there’s a will, I want to be in it 

• I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap. 
• I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 
• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 
• Of course men can multitask, they read on the toilet. 
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 

• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are running after it as when you are riding in it. 
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 
• If the enemy is in range, so are you. 
• If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him. 
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 
• Give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 
• It has been shown that old people who walk faster live longer.  That light won't stay green forever. 
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only  need a parachute to skydive twice. 
• The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket. 
• Any ship can be a minesweeper... once. 
• Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
• I got a sweater for my birthday. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 
• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an apple. 
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I can't put it down.
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.